I normally try not to pay attention to the news. The economic crisis, in particular, is a topic of conversation I try to avoid. My parents support me financially and I’ve always been told to keep my nose out of other people’s business. But yesterday afternoon, with all the hoopla of late, I reached a breaking point. So, feeling guilty, I performed a quick Google search. After two hours of reading about the various social problems of young adults still living at home, I returned to the Google home page and typed in “recession” and “debt ceiling.”

Through my research I found that, apparently, the United States owes a lot of money. And according to the Internet, the “federal government” has less money than Apple. I must say, I was pretty surprised by that information as I read it on my Apple iMac, while simultaneously listening to music on my Apple iPod, carrying on a conversation on my Apple iPhone, playing air hockey on my Apple iPad, and eating a slice of Apple pie. Still feeling guilty, however, I decided to step out of my role as a Noncontributing Zero in order to take some initiative and fix America’s problems. I scanned the RecordSetter database of records, looking for inspiration. I didn’t quite find it. However, I was able to piece together a short list of money-related world records.

1. Most Amount of Money Raised for Charity by Destroying a City Made of Cards

See, this is our problem, right here. Americans love destruction. They love it so much they pay money in order to see things get destructed. First, they paid money to destruct the economy, and now, they’re paying money to destruct a city of cards. Yes, it’s pretty awesome. But it’s also pretty shameful.

2. Most American Quarters Fit Inside a Belly Button

Some people are wondering, How do we find all the money to pay off this massive debt? Step one: go spelunking in Randon Beasley’s belly button.

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