Being a man comes with many disadvantages. For one, why is it incumbent on us to approach the opposite sex? Seriously, it’s not fair. Secondly, we have to shave constantly if we want to feel attractive. So by the time we receive our comparatively larger paycheck we can’t even enjoy it because all we’re thinking about  is having to shave in six hours. And the only compensation we receive – aside from the larger paycheck, power, and more respect overall – is “National Men’s Grooming Day,” a holiday without presents.

Whatever. Here are our favourite male grooming-related world records. Included are some men lucky enough to be able to do their own thing.

5. Longest White Chest Hair

Len Jackson is the luckiest man on Earth. For what woman could resist the raw, sasquatchian masculinity inherent in a 5-inch-long white chest hair?

4. Most People Involved in Shaving Off One Man’s Beard

What’s more sad than a man who can’t shave himself? A man who has so few friends that he has to ask strangers to help him shave, that’s what. Aside from that, nothing. Nothing at all.

3. Most Afro Picks Fit in an Afro

Questlove finally finds a solution for the question that all the kids are asking these days–if you want to look like Patti LaBelle circa 1984, just put 101 afro picks in your hair.

2. Largest Toothpick Beard

This guy goes by the name of “Beard Pick.” It’s quite a coincidence that his beard is made of toothpicks. Otherwise that monicker would be really embarrassing.

1. Largest Nose Hair Collection

Step aside, Len Jackson. Unless you’ve got a curled up nose hair that’s even half as long as your chest hair, your reign is over. Michael Bailey, your time is now.

Do you have what it takes to beat these manly world records? Have ideas for more? Share them in the comments or set them at recordsetter.com/submit.