I normally try not to pay attention to the news. The economic crisis, in particular, is a topic of conversation I try to avoid. My parents support me financially and I’ve always been told to keep my nose out of other people’s business. But yesterday afternoon, with all the hoopla of late, I reached a breaking point. So, feeling guilty, I performed a quick Google search. After two hours of reading about the various social problems of young adults still living at home, I returned to the Google home page and typed in “recession” and “debt ceiling.”
Through my research I found that, apparently, the United States owes a lot of money. And according to the Internet, the “federal government” has less money than Apple. I must say, I was pretty surprised by that information as I read it on my Apple iMac, while simultaneously listening to music on my Apple iPod, carrying on a conversation on my Apple iPhone, playing air hockey on my Apple iPad, and eating a slice of Apple pie. Still feeling guilty, however, I decided to step out of my role as a Noncontributing Zero in order to take some initiative and fix America’s problems. I scanned the RecordSetter database of records, looking for inspiration. I didn’t quite find it. However, I was able to piece together a short list of money-related world records.
See, this is our problem, right here. Americans love destruction. They love it so much they pay money in order to see things get destructed. First, they paid money to destruct the economy, and now, they’re paying money to destruct a city of cards. Yes, it’s pretty awesome. But it’s also pretty shameful.
Some people are wondering, How do we find all the money to pay off this massive debt? Step one: go spelunking in Randon Beasley’s belly button.
For any of you thinking you can cover your monetary losses by stealing a $100 bill off of Brian Pankey’s nose, you’re dead-wrong. Because when Brian Pankey balances a money bill on his face, it’s not going anywhere… Unless you’re willing to wait at least 17 seconds for it to fall, at which point you can just pick it up and run.
Another way to balance out the debt: Give this cupcake to China, tell ‘em “It’s all good.”
If only the government had the same control over money that Brian Pankey does. The only logical solution? Install Brian Pankey as the Secretary of US Treasury.
(That last line was written before I witnessed the coin fall. I hereby rescind my motion to get Brian Pankey in office.)
If you’ve watched this last video, then, like me, your disposition has changed. You’ve gone from either angry or indifferent to reasonably content. Maybe this is what the country needs–to be more lighthearted about our money. Stop being so serious, people. It’s only money. Your parents have plenty. So just scrape together all that you have, sift through and find the one dollar bills — conveniently, you probably only have one dollar bills anyways — put a ‘B’ and an ‘R’ around each ‘ONE,’ giggle for a little while, and call it a day.